The Edge of Safe

Guilt can be one of several banes and spoils, but is it not just desert? There’s a reason guilt is there in the first place. Guilt doesn’t allow you to focus and look ahead. It grasps you and keeps you put, paralyzed, capsized in a raging storm with no way out. When you stay in that storm, you can’t really expect to fare all too well. But your pride can get in the way. Arrogance keeps you in the storm guilt trapped you in. You’re not willing to admit defeat, even when you know the battle was never winnable in the first place. You don’t change, you don’t plan to, and you don’t see it ever really happening, even though you want to get out of the storm.

Some people need to be taken down. They need to be forced to do something. To be told to. It’s not like they’re slaves or anything, but they don’t trust themselves. They don’t think they’re capable of anything, and they don’t they deserve anything. They know that whatever choice they make is usually crap, as it’s based off of themselves, and their views, which are crap too.

People don’t change. Really, pretty much everyone has their roots firmly planted in the ground. Yes, there are exceptions, but for the most part, people don’t change. You may look at them and tell yourself, “I’d love to eat a donut right now, and what the hell happened to you?”, but maybe, you never really knew that person. Maybe it was all a fake, and you never bothered to see past it, to dig a bit deeper than what was on the surface. I mean, just look at oil, it’s not exactly sitting there in a little puddle waiting to be used now is it?

You only get a few seconds to make a decision, but you have a million hours to regret, applaud, or not give a shoot about that decision. From the smallest thing in the world, to the most gut-wrenching, you could regret it for the rest of your life, which would be terribly unhealthy. Yet you can’t help but look back and say, what a dope I was. I just wasted a few seconds, plus those million hours, of precious time.

With those million hours you used up thinking back, you were probably talking to yourself in the head, or at least imagining yourself talking to...something. Whatever it is, it can be annoying having to listen to yourself for so long (at least for me it is).

When you fall in the dirt face first, who’s there to help you back? Plenty of people, actually. Lifting yourself up all the time can get tiring; I’m not exactly a 10 lbs. dumbbell now am I?

You know the feeling, and you see it coming from miles away, but hey, you stick around anyway. (hehe…rhymes…)

-digital delay

And I'm the only one to blame.

Sometimes, I really think I lack a big thing called pride. Pride is supposed to be that big, whoop-de-doo feeling you get when you accomplish something small, something important, something big.......Pride is that proud feeling of undefeat, when you feel as if nothing can stop you at all.

Pride can be a wonderful thing. It shows your self-confidence, your ability to be the best of what you can be, to feel like the world...!

But you know that one feeling you get? When you feel as if you're the absolute best there is, and no one can top that?? That's pride also, but that's when pride gets out of hand. It's when pride becomes cockiness, conceit, and very rotten. This is when resentment forms, even though "Hate" is a very strong word. Pride may get the best of you.

The absolute opposite of pride? I'd like to say disappointment. Ever feel like you're just not good enough? Oh, I'm sure; I'm feel it all the time, too. It turns to upset and frustration.

Pride and disappointment show all the time, especially in SPORTS. It's crazy.

• "Why didn't coach play me? I'm a benchwarmer now??"


• "I cost us our game...It's all my fault. If only i made that basket!"

Believe it or not, many people go hard on themselves, and that's good, really. But it's not usually necessary and ends up bringing people down. It really depends if you play more as an individual or as a team.
Aside from that, families are a big deal at sporting events, too. They make a difference. There are two types: the supportive family:

• "Good job!"...


• "You're doing great! Keep it up!"...


• "Defense!"...


• "Don't worry about it, you'll do better next time"...

And then there are people like my "supportive" family:

• The father figure had not shown up at a single softball game because "softball is boring"...


• Instead of a "good job" after an exhausting basketball game, you get a "You could've ran faster." or


• "You lost again??" or "


• Your shooting position is not correct."


• and all this other shitty feedback that you've already heard too many times.

You tell yourself,

• I've improved...


• I DID play better this time...


• You could not run as fast as I just had, up and down that court.


• I WAS good enough!

But sometimes, "good enough" is not GOOD ENOUGH...And this is disappointment. Frustration that you've got no support, but shakes of head instead. Criticism at every little thing you do, right OR wrong. Upset because you should've done better? What happened to pride here, people? What happened to that big grin you'd get after stirking out three batters in a row? That whip of joy you'd get after you score a goal. What happened to roaring crowds and claps and cheers? See those people celebrating? That should've been us...That could've been us...

-my.great.ESCAPE.