Smiles Spungold Wine

Quite recently, a friend of mine said that he was undecided on whether he wanted to join a certain group/club/gathering/cult/etc. He was having trouble deciding because he wanted to be “different”, and “do his own damn thing”. He then proceeded to ask me, “What shall I do oh great and wise master of digitally delaying?”(Or something along those lines) Of course, being the wonderful person I am, I used all of my gathered wisdom to respond with, “Socrates, I fu---ing ain’t.” (maybe that’s a bit too surreal, but you probably [don’t] get the point thanks to my perfectly clear, logical, and orderly method of [attempted] writing) This event made me think of a certain experiment conducted by some dudes in white lab coats. They had a room full of “actors”, and one genuinely idiotic person. They showed a picture of a line on one side, and three lines of varying lengths on the other. The question was placed on which line matched the length of the lone line. Also, the three lines on the other side weren’t exactly so close you needed a microscope with like…10,000,000,000x to differentiate them or anything, this is the kind of thing a six-year-old could do while vomiting and totally pwning a Halo 3 multiplayer game. (due to my strong personal convictions, I would like to state that I have nothing against six-year-olds vomiting, although maybe with six-year-olds playing a game meant for drunken fratssholes…did I just make up a word?). Still, with such an easy task, whenever the other “experimentees” purposefully identified the wrong line as the right one, the genuine person generally followed. We just love conformity don’t we now? We also love Cracked.com (which is where the info is from…ahem), I hope I get paid for saying that too. Imagine that on a wider scale, something like…the actual damn world. But, as I might have stated sometime long, long ago, and as Cracked also did…, there are those who conform against conformity, which is pretty much conformity, just with the word conform repeated twice in a three word span. So, doesn’t that mean that there’s not much we as humans, sociable beings, can do? “Socrates, I f--ki-g ain’t.”

In the whole span of my short, pathetic life, I have had a total of two bottles of this “water” that has “vitamins” in it. Until I realized that I was getting ripped off (which is what I realize every time I purchase something), I had quite enjoyed the drinks themselves. One thing is that they’re not even actually water with vitamins in it. That’s completely misleading, kind of like commercials that say, “Use this shitty deodorant/cologne/fragrance-thing, you’ll laid by all the slutty, plastic women you could ever dream of!”(I’m absolutely sure this thingy works, because, well, males will be males, and because, sex sells) Either that or all the water companies have been lying to me, and the ocean, and pretty much everything else. Also, when was water so expensive? Can’t you get water, some vitamin pills, and some kiwis/strawberries all together and just eat or drink (or ingest them in some other grotesque manner)? That seems pretty easy.

Also, for the post below me, I for one, also, applaud those nice guys. I probably know a few myself without knowing it, and I apologize to you guys. It can be a hard life with asses like me around, who are also hypocrites, and who probably won’t follow up on that apology, and so will continue to be asses…so….sorry

And thanks to that random title making thing for my lovably messed up title

-digital delay

Ode To The Nice Guys

So, this isn't written by me, but I thought I'd share, because it's really sweet and really great, and I think everyone here should read it. I got it from here, so it's a repost of sorts. :) I hope you guys really like this.

Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton
Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

-Karma Police :)
p.s. love nice guys.