but it's better if you do

Whoever gave the rule that wisdom and knowledge comes with age is definitely not looking beyond the two (non)colors of black and gray. Often times I believe the young are the most smart, and I believe the old are most stupid- but of course I understand and know that that is not always the case. Teen angst exists for a reason, of course.

Often, I believe that there are two sides to a person. The reasonable, sane side, and the deceptive, fantastic, and slightly insane side. I'm beginning to realize that the two sides come out based upon where you are, what you're doing, and whether or not you're alone. I find that upon being alone, I tend to veer towards the latter side, teetering on the edge of what I'm normally like in the "outside world". It's really odd, in many ways and I think there's a scientific way of explaining it- but I like to believe that in those hours of being along I go a little insane, and a little more smart in more ways than just Algebra. I like to believe that the world could be at my hand if I wanted, and that all it would really take is a push.

But then, of course, I eventually am brought back to reality, and the feeling- that high, beautiful, oftenly unique feeling of infinity- is taken away and missed. I begin to remember the work I have to do and that I can't possibly stay in the tub any longer for it's past midnight already. All that comes to play and the sadness of it tends to overwhelm sweetly for a little while. It's amazing, though, while it lasts... I wonder if anyone else feels it.

Influence, I believe, is a key to the latter more morbid side of the human brain. I think if you watch a lot of movies and read a lot of stories where a villain is brought to glorification and heroin is your best friend, you tend to believe it. When casual sex is seen to be an everyday escape to momentary love...? I think it's the human mind's way of tempting you- since we all know temptation is everywhere, don't we? When you're the villain long enough, you begin to see yourself as the hero, right? Or is this all too insane? Ha ha ha.

Usually when I get into these odd doses of odd moods, it's in odd parts of the day, like midnight or when I wake up alone in my house. It's like I feel like living within myself and I relish it. I start to think I can get away with things... like cooking breakfast! Ha haha. Or maybe listening to music and singing at the top of my lungs.. or other things. It's just the weirdest, more beautiful sensation ever, and I wonder if it's sadness or happiness or maybe bittersweet both. It's confusion with a K. Karma Police style.

Carma Polise

Hard to Explain

What is general fatigue? Is it being dead tired, being unable to handle things anymore, or is it just not wanting to do anything anymore? Apparently, or supposedly, it’s all of those things. There’s that term malaise, which is a general medical uneasiness, which could be a symptom of illness. Then, there’s the term winder malaise, which is more of a “depressed” and “tired” kind of malaise, often associated with the conditions winter bring.

Fatigue can probably be both mental and physical. The winter malaise could be considered maybe more of a mental fatigue, perhaps. Physical fatigue is probably just being dead tired. Your body is just physically exhausted, and can’t take it anymore.

Mental fatigue is being worked out…mentally, obviously. It can be lethargy, apathy, depression, etc., etc. Your just so tired of everything around you, and you just want to get the **** out of wherever you are. Back to who knows where, you probably don’t even know. You just know you sure want to get out that stupid place, the place that just crawls up your back, and drops a brick right on it. You don’t know where you’d want to go, or what you’d want to do. Even when you sit there for hours, staring at that empty canvas, you can’t imagine a single stroke of lively paint brightening that blank slate. You don’t know where to start, and so you don’t know how you can end.

There are people out there who are just so tired of the situation they’re in. They’ve been patient for so long, and the fruits of their labor have yet to bloom. From counselors, psychiatrists, oncologists, teachers, menial workers, and many others, they all could very well be wishing it (whatever “it” is) to be over with. You don’t even have to be the one suffering, seeing suffering day in and day out is enough already.

Perhaps both mental and physical fatigues are combined. Wouldn’t it make sense to feel bogged down when your legs and arms can’t even move anymore? Or vice-versa, being so worn-out, your legs and arms don’t want to move?

But what am I complaining about, not that I’m really complaining about anything specific. I haven’t done anything special to deserve any pity, or anything else for that matter. There isn’t much wrong with my life is there?...

(canvas… thanks)

(yes, it is spelled malaise, not mayonnaise)

-Digital Delay