Staring at Headlights

Do you ever lie to yourself? Disguise the facts from yourself, manipulate them, or perhaps completely disregard them just so they fit your wants and feelings. Maybe you’d even like them to be true, you’d love for them to be right, but you don’t accept it. In the back of your head you always think, maybe, just maybe it really is true, but your mind, your consciousness tells you no, that you can’t think of it like that. You could do this to yourself for any number of reasons, but they all add up to one thing, you’re afraid. You’re scared of hurting yourself, others, those you care about, or you’re afraid of yourself. You’re not willing to face yourself, to stand up to yourself, to look yourself in the eye. You can’t tell yourself to, you can’t force yourself to, and you just don’t have the right mindset to do it. You’re scared of what you could do, of what could happen, of how stupid you could look, of how useless it would be, how futile it would become. Then, you just think too much. Everything you do or say, you think about to yourself, and everything else that you don’t think about, ends up falling apart.

Have you ever thought that being there for those you care about, could mean hiding from them? To protect them, you hide from them, create some kind of shallow mask for them to see. You’re afraid that them seeing you would create more harm than good. And you believe that when you do let go of that mask, when you free yourself, bombs and battles are there instead dreams and wishes.

You need to stand in the spotlight you’re afraid of. You need to stare at those headlights, and realize, that standing there won’t do much less than send you to a hospital broken and wounded, or worse. You have to move, it doesn’t matter how slowly, since you’re almost there anyway.

I want to start a little something. If this works…then hooray. If it doesn’t then I’ll look like a big butt…

But here goes…

I want all of you…anyone who’s reading this... to name something they really like…or love…it could be a band, album, movie, t.v. show, person, ideal, anything (or all, or several)…and just say why you like it…and then…I want you to respond in some way to the person before you…I don’t mean bashing their opinions or anything…but disagreeing is fine…so…let’s see how the fireworks fly tonight…

Well…the first person who does it can respond to whoever they want I guess
It can be in a comment…or in a post...or anything

Goodness I’m seriously scared about this and I don’t know why I’m doing this…but…as one of my favorite people ever once said….,”but who fu****g cares?”

-digital delay

I Hold

You know you shouldn’t hold it, you know you should drop it, leave it behind. Forget about it, but you can’t. You hold it in, whatever it is, a loss, a victory, a mistake, a misunderstanding, or humiliation. You hold it, and you feel it. You don’t embrace it, you try to shun it. But you hold onto it anyway. You never let it go, you never let it fade. It haunts you always, maybe not at every second or moment of your life, but it fades back into memory occasionally or perhaps constantly. It could be the littlest thing in the world, but it will build up. It will build, grow, soon enough, it could be this massive object that creeps behind your footsteps, and waits for you to fall. If you fall, and this object has grown enough, then you might not get back up. You could be pinned down, and forced to let it go. You could be forced to do the thing you were so afraid to do, the thing you refused to do, would not do. Finally, it is gone. But the manner it which it left may not be so subtle. Now, a new burden could be placed on you. The eyes all around you see you, watch you, and focus on nothing but you. The pressure builds, the weight becomes unbearable. You know you shouldn’t, you know, especially when you feel it building, but who cares really.

When you sit back, and you look back, you wonder, what were you even looking for in the first place? What were you searching for? What made you do this in the first place?

-digital delay

the dark knight!

House of Mirrors

Isolation can manifest in two ways it seems. I guess the way most people would put it would be just being alone. This is simply not having interactions with other people. It seems most people would take such actions in a negative light. Why would someone rather be alone? A bit odd don’t you think? Apparently not at all. Extroverts, introverts right? Social, anti-social, likeable, unlikable. But really, when did such a preposterous hypothesis come about? All that just fits into the general mainstream in what people should be doing. Whatever happened to not everyone’s the same? In a way it’s hypocritical. In a way it all comes down to understanding. That’s hard enough, people don’t have the time to bother with that now do they? Introverts and extroverts are terms that can be often misunderstood or misinterpreted. Can being alone occasionally not be healthy? It can be a chance to calm down, or try to understand yourself. I’m sure people all know that already. Maybe it’s the frequency or tendency of some people to wish to be alone that is misunderstood. Maybe some people enjoy being with others very much, and dislike being alone often. But someone completely different could very much like to be with others as well, maybe just on different terms or less often.

The other form of isolation could be extreme solitary confinement. This is when you’re really alone. Mostly this treatment is confined to prisoners and P.OW.s, but experiments have been carried out. Some were deemed to cruel, and in a way they were. When deprived of senses, you can go quite mad. Feelings of claustrophobia and madness creep up on you. Imagine being stuck in a room in the dark, not hearing anything, not seeing anything, not interacting with anyone, how long could you last, or at very least, keep you mind?

Fear

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

What is fear, exactly? And what do we fear of? It ranges from being as simple as that geometry test tomorrow to something as complicated as the end of the world. What are YOU afraid of? Disappointing someone? Public speaking? Death of your own or a loved one? Loss of love, or even love itself? We can find a reason to fear everything and anything. When you think about it, isn’t fear just a psychological thing? Something our mind just creates when we imagine the worst that could happen? If we separate the world into the categories of the brave or the cowardly, where would you stand? Can we even do that? Everyone has the brave and cowardly moments.

Perhaps Roosevelt was right. Is life really about taking risks? But I admit I am afraid of doing something I may regret. I just don’t trust myself enough to know that I’ll make the right decisions in my life, thus screwing it up. Everyone sees me as the girl who has everything together. I’m just as big of a mess as anybody else, maybe even bigger. But everyone is bound to make mistakes and I know I will. I need to accept that. “The brave may not live long, but the cautious do not live at all.” Yes, it was from the movie The Princess Diaries. But who said a Disney movie can’t be insightful?

When I was little, I was terribly scared of Chuck E. Cheese. Yup, that guy in the rat suit. I think I still am. Something about that rat still gives me the heebie-jeebies. However, I am perfectly fine with Mickey Mouse. In fact, Mickey Mouse is awesome! Weird, huh? I know he’s also in the “fictional rodent character” family, but Disney has a way with things like that.

You know, some people are afraid of a tarnished reputation/low social status. Some pretend not to be, but really are. Some are truly not. Everybody is busy worrying about what other people think. You know what? Cool people aren’t people who follow the crowd or even people who go out of their way to be different to prove that they’re not following the crowd. (Was that hard to follow?) Cool people are the people who just are and that’s good enough for them. Cool people aren’t people who never embarrass themselves. That’s impossible. Everyone does. Cool people are able to honestly laugh (maybe even snort) at themselves. Isn’t it strange how many things are connected to stereotypes and social junk?

I think what makes some of us fear death is the fact that this life is all that we’ve ever known and they don’t want to leave that. I am not afraid of death; it’ll happen to everybody someday. I’m afraid of time; having too much or not enough. I am afraid of not being able to do anything with my life. I want to make an impact and change the world for the better. I know that was such a Miss America answer, probably right along up there with, “World peace,” but I mean it. I want to live, not just exist.

In some ways, I am afraid of knowledge. “As they say, ignorance is bliss. Empty, meaningless bliss, but bliss nonetheless.” - Broken Crayons, Delilah121c. At the same time, I am scared of the dark. I am scared of not knowing what lies ahead and being vulnerable. I know it sounds contradicting, but it’s true.

I am afraid of the future; my own and the world’s. Some have their entire life mapped out perfectly, right down to the type of carpet their future house will have. I don’t even know what career path I want to go down. I want a goal to work toward, but I’m just making it up as I go along. What about the fact that we are killing our planet? Everyone says this, but does nothing. I don’t want to be one of those people. What can we do to keep the earth safe for the generations to come? Time is a factor here, which is one of the reasons that I fear it.

I just don’t want to grow up. Well, I couldn’t find a more sophisticated way to put it, so I just said it the way it is. Ahhh... the carefree state of being a child. It seems safer to be protected than exposed to that exciting, but harsh world out there. We are caught in between. Past being a child, but not yet adults. No, I’m not going to give you the puberty talk. Gosh, I got enough of that from last year’s life science class. Adults treat you like a child, but expect you to take on the responsibilities of an adult and blame acting out on your “crazy teenage hormones.” In some ways, I enjoy belonging in a grey area. Everything is not necessarily black or white. That’s the beauty of it, but also its downfall.

How do you conquer a fear? Is facing it head on really the best way? I think so. Honestly, I’ve never been good at facing my own fears. But I think that we all eventually have to.

All my love,
mourning.glory