Saturday, March 15, 2008

A Guide On: How to Pick Up a Chick

Hello there earthlings, this is I, Karma Police and my dear friend (GASP) mourning.glory. Yes, that's right TWO people, isn't that utterly amazing!? Not really, but this is a first.

So our topic; how to get the girl.

Everyone on here talks about relationships, but have none. (No offense... I'm sure you're all beautiful people...) So, to get one of those relationships, follow this guide!

Now, honestly, we don't know how to "get a girl", but this is how you could win OUR hearts (and many others of our kind [aka girls]).

TIP #1: Be awkward; Now isn't that funny? Awkwardness!? Attracting!? Amazing, we dig a guy who stutters on a few words. It shows that he's nervous, and genuinely likes the girl. NOT a player. :)

Tip #2: Don't pick your nose in public!; So this is pretty much... self explanatory. We figured you'd know this already, but we wanted to make sure. This also counts for other disgusting things a guy might do, on his OWN time alone. That includes showing off your latest scab. Even if it DOES look like George Washington! (They don't make you seem manly)

Tip #3: Don't brag; What girl wants a cocky guy who's more interesting in his hair than her smile? Honestly, some girls like cocky guys more, but that's not us. (Not that we're trying to wave a flag here...)

Tip #4: Caution- ROMANCE NOVELS; The chances are that if a girl has a Romance book in her hand, her expectations will be higher. I mean, you're no Edward Cullen! (But if you are....?) So try to catch the object of your affection off guard.

Tip #4.5: HOWEVER; Romance novels are the key to a girl's heart- In other words they're your study guides. Kind of like 'Dating For Dummies', except in larger quantity. Sure, you might get a few odd looks from your fellow lads, but it pays off. Cause if a guy can pull off Dexter (This Lullaby), then he can get any girl he wants. Seriously. Just don't get the "rated NC-17" ones, with more AHEMAHEM than actual love. Ack.

Tip #5: Be Creative; We understand this completely contradicts what we just said, but romance novels are just your GUIDE. Copying moves that obviously don't work for you (like if you have a bad singing voice), might make the girl a bit.. reluctant? Just add your own spin to things. What girl wants chocolate and flowers all the time? (And going to movies is sooo old).

Tip #6: Don't think so much; If you think too much, it'll show. Just be yourself. YOURSELF!! If you don't know something, be honest. Not all guys know everything. Most girls see through it, and even if they don't your relationship might not last.

Tip #7: Make Her Laugh; All girls like a good joke or two. Just don't make the following jokes: Perverted ones, racist ones, ones about muffins in ovens, and penguins with toasters.

Tip # 8: Pet names are for pets; Don't call her 'Baby', don't call her 'sugarbooger'. We girls have names just like you, and we'd like you to use them thank you very much. Now we might not mind if it were more.. original or meaningful. I mean I wouldn't mind being called 'Love', but 'poppet' sounds kind of... ehh.

Tip #9: Don't flex your muscles; Just... Don't. Especially if they're non-existant. It's just weird.

Tip #10: Talk; Talk about anything. Music, life, what you like- what she likes! Chances are you'll find something you have in common, and that's where the "chemistry" starts. Right?? Remember conversation starters? You've gotta have flow!

Tip # 11: Check out her friends; BUT NOT IN THAT WAY! We mean, of course, talk to them. Girls always talk to their friends about everything (almost). You're going to need their approval if you even think of going anywhere with THE girl. We're completely serious here.

Tip #12: Be a gentleman; Open doors, offer to pay for her meal (or if she hates that, split it), hold her books even if she doesn't want you to, compliment her newest haircut. We notice when you notice. It makes us feel good. Smile! (But don't force yourself to.... that'd be creepy.) Oh yeah, don't eat like you use a hot wing as a napkin. It's incredibly disgusting. And being a gentleman comes in handy if you meet THE parents. Parents love it when their daughter has a boyfriend who's respectful.

Tip #13: Just Tell Her (or ask); If you like her, then just tell her. Tell her and she'll be honest with you. If she rejects you, then just accept it and move on. Unless you really like the girl, then just stay friends and be glad. Maybe one day she'll like you back. And if she doesn't want to talk to you- Take the hint. Don't be clingy! And don't use other girls to make her jealous, it doesn't always work, and it just proves you're a JERK!

So there are our guidelines. We hope that they helped. Look our for future rules or a follow up to this! Leave comment, questions, concerns, we won't ignore them.

Good luck fishing!- Uh not that girls are like fish meant to be caught and eaten..Cause then that's cannibalism children, and is frowned upon in most societies. Yeah...Uh.... BYE

-mourning.glory and Karma Police

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digital delay said...

easily...the weirdest and most awkward article here...haha

my.great.ESCAPE. said...

haha, this is kyute :]

the clam said...

...I'll agree with DD.

Nathaniel Stanton said...

Oh my gosh. I laughed so hard about the rule with the no muffin in oven and penguin in/and toaster jokes. Oh, man. This is one of the best articles on the blog.

em. said...

hahah this was a cute funny article (: made me laugh when i read it, especially the "Caution - ROMANCE NOVELS" xD